Death is better than losing sanity in prison - woman jailed in Assad's prisons

 "My name is Sarah al-Abdullah. I am a 29 year old computer and control engineer. My husband was killed three years ago. I only have one daughter, she is three.

 On August 19th, 2017, my home in Mazzeh was raided and I was detained by the General Intelligence. I was first held in Branch 40, and then I was transferred to al-Khatib or Branch 251. After that, I was transferred to the Central State Security Branch, and then to Adra prison pending trial at the counterterrorism court which eventually ordered my release.

 However, the Air Force Intelligence Directorate refused to release me. Theoretically, and on paper, I was released. But in reality, as was the case with many other detainees, my situation was presumed to have been resolved by the Civil Court, but instead I was handcuffed, blindfolded and transferred to the Air Force Intelligence Branch. In total I was detained for one year and four months, or 1 year, 3 months and 20 days to be more specific. 

 Interrogation techniques varied from one branch to another. In al-Khatib branch, they prey on detainees' morale or psychological makeup. Interrogation techniques vary from one detainee to another. They also inflict neurological pain. Prior to being tortured, the guard would place me in a position where my nerves are tight, and deliberately beat me on the parts that have clusters of nerve endings, to ensure a rapid nervous breakdown. 

 Torture has left me with a chronic knee injury. Other women developed mental problems. It varies from one to another. Cells in the Air Force Intelligence Branch are 1m². They are also dark.

 Water drop sound torture is one of the most brutal torture techniques. It had the biggest impact on me personally. For a prolonged period of time, one is made to listen to dripping water in a consistent pattern. But then it suddenly shifts to an inconsistent pattern which puts you on alert. Until today, I scream whenever I hear an unexpected noise as if I am still in prison.


 At first, I thought my husband was the reason for my detention. But later, during the interrogation, I found out the reason for my detention was my work in delivering relief assistance to besieged people, along with my media activity in documenting the violations of the 'non-Syrian' army or the Assadist army, including the shelling, torture and destruction.

 Many detained women lost their sanity. One inmate was beaten to death. She was a mother. They took her son away from her. Her cries went unheard. She didn't fear their beating. So, despite the fact that they knew of her heart condition, they kept torturing her until one day she died in our arms. I think that those who died have found some relief. Losing your sanity is harder.


 There was another detainee from Daraya. The interrogator used to apply pressure on her through her son, despite the fact that her son was living in the liberated areas. In order to make her confess, the interrogator repeatedly led her to believe that they detained her son and he confessed. They used the same technique in four or five interrogation sessions. Until one night, we were confused when she started screaming and banging on the door. Meanwhile, we could hear a young man clearly being tortured. At that point, we didn't really know the reason she was screaming, but later we realised that she believed the man who was being tortured was her son. The interrogator's threats misled her to imagine hearing and seeing her son.

 For three days, whenever the guard opened the door, to take her or someone else for interrogation, she would rush to the guard and ask him for the 'document'. 'What document, calm down,' we said. She said, 'I want them to give me a certificate to be able to bury my son. My son was killed four days ago. I need to bury him.' She started suffering from numerous nervous breakdowns, until one day, the major at the prison was tired of hearing her cries. So they took her out, and brought her back five minutes later. Her face was numb, and she was unable to speak clearly. Apparently she was given something. For the following 72 hours, she didn't eat or say anything. She was unable to speak. Instead she used signs to communicate with us.

 Less than 15 days later, she lost her sanity. You wouldn't believe she was the same person she was 90 days before. She was well educated and knowledgeable. She would charm you with her words, her way of thinking and her maturity, how she and her son were seeking and fighting to eliminate injustice. But if you met her after those 20 days, you would think that she was born this way.

 I can't get her memory out of my head. I keep thinking that I too could have lost my sanity. She is just one example of numerous women who collapsed. I can't imagine what is waiting for them, or where they will end up. That said, sometimes I think death is less painful. But unfortunately, death has become a blessing we don't have. Every night, detainees pray that they don't wake up in the morning. Particularly, when they know they will be taken to interrogation, they hope they cease to exist. They would pray to God to acknowledge the good they have done in their lives and not to wake them up in the morning. And yet, we can't even die.

 Here I am, after eighteen months in the liberated areas. Many others, however, are still inside. Many young women and men, old women and men, mothers and children. What hurt me the most while in detention was to hear a child crying, or yelling because they needed to use the bathroom, or because they were hungry. The Air Force Intelligence Branch is packed with children, five year olds and even babies under twelve months. There was one kid who was four. Imagine, a four year old detainee. He has been there for two years with his mother.

 It's difficult. There are no words to describe it. You can only feel it."